Feeling Talk

During my study of hypnosis, we were assigned to read and study the book Titled “The Secret Language of Feelings” written by Calvin D. Banyan. I highly recommend it. This blog will be a report based on this book and what your feelings tell you. Are you listening to your feelings objectively or are you letting them dictate what you do?

The major preface of the book is that all feelings are good. They are just trying to tell us something. It is their language and it is really quite simple. Once learned you can step back, listen and then act based on the knowledge your feelings just gave you. Normally we just react and more often than not we also distract to avoid their message. “Our feelings are a product of our internal wisdom, which is attempting to guide us and motivate us to satisfy our needs, wants and desires. Our feelings are designed to motivate us by providing us with an experience of either satisfaction or discomfort when you feel them, begin to listen to them. They’re attempting to communicate with you They each have a specific message related to a specific need, want or desire.” 1

So how do we understand what our feelings message is? The first step in deciphering their code is to figure out which feeling it is. This can be simple but sometimes can be difficult to do because of our habits of ignoring them, stuffing them and using distractions to avoid them.

The Primary Feelings are:

  1. Boredom
  2. Anger
  3. Guilt
  4. Sadness
  5. Loneliness
  6. Inadequacy
  7. Stress
  8. Fear
  9. 2

The eight listed feelings can be called other names which indicate varying degrees of the base feeling. A good example is anxiety which is a form of fear. There are two other feelings which require mention. Frustration occurs when we don’t take care of our feelings and depression occurs when we don’t listen to our frustrations. If you learn how to take care of your feelings and are able to do what you learned. Your frustration and depression will dissipate.

Remember distracting yourself to not feel is not a positive way to take care of your feelings. Acting on what the feeling is telling you is the positive response you are looking for. So, what are each of those feelings telling us? Let’s go over each of them.

You’ve determined you are bored. You feel you have nothing to do, there’s a piece of your life that is unfulfilling. What this feeling tells you to do is to find activities that are fulfilling to do. A note to mention about this feeling, it is an easy feeling to think you have issues with when it really is an underlying issue.

Make sure you have chosen the correct feeling by looking at the cause of the feeling and it will give you a bigger clue to what feeling you are dealing with.

Plus being bored is easy to use as an excuse to find things to do to take care of this feeling but instead they end up becoming distractions rather than being fulfilling. So, when you draw up your list of activities, try to make sure they really are fulfilling and meaningful to you.

I know it is hard to fathom how anger can possibly be good but it has an important message for you to listen to. Anger is telling you that something or someone is not being fair to you or to someone or something you care for plus some kind of harm might happen as a result. If something is not fair and you have the ability to turn that around then do so in a positive and constructive manner. Just the act of starting to try to turn a situation around positively can be rewarding and dispel the uncomfortable part of that feeling. What if you cannot fix the situation? This is where anger can really become a challenge. “If the situation can’t be made fair, forgive.” 3

The act of forgiveness is honestly more for you to move on from a situation or person who simply is not fair and may never be. You can only control yourself and your actions. Realizing that forgiveness is needed and going through that process will also dispel the uncomfortable part of that feeling.

Now guilt on the other hand is when you feel you have been not so fair to someone and some kind of harm could occur to yourself or someone else as a result. This feeling is basically similar to anger. So, make the situation fair in the most positive way you can. Ask for forgiveness if appropriate and most importantly, forgive yourself for what you did.

Sadness happens when you have lost someone or something that made you happy. If possible attempt to retrieve the lost item or person. Otherwise find new friends or family to replace the loss. Find new items over time to replace the missing ones. Allow yourself to grieve and give that process a reasonable amount of time especially if nothing can be done to retrieve your loss. Remember all things happen for a reason; even loss. The challenge of dealing with said loss can help you grow and learn, especially if you look for that growth and knowledge.

Loneliness occurs when you feel the need to care for someone and have that reciprocated. Now is the time to get creative and come up with different ways to connect with people. The bigger you make your list the more options you have. Then use those options starting with the ones you are most comfortable with. You will need to realize you may have to go outside your comfort zone. These types of challenges are healthy and help develop new skills.

You’re feeling that you just don’t measure up, that you’re just not good enough. When this feeling comes up you really need to ask yourself if you really are inadequate or is this a learned belief based on a past event? “As adults, we may consciously reject it, but since our beliefs are held in our subconscious minds, they aren’t so easily removed through conscious effort. This is why hypnotherapy can be so effective in helping us rid ourselves of such self-limiting beliefs. With hypnotherapy, the subconscious mind can receive and use positive suggestions and remove the erroneous beliefs accepted in childhood.” 4

If you’ve determined that you really do not measure up to accomplish what you want to accomplish then you may need to learn a new skill. Make a plan of action to acquire your new skill.

One of the best skills a person can adopt to help alleviate this feeling is positive thinking. And yes, this is a skill. Really pay attention to what words you use in your thoughts. Knowing that like attracts like, it only makes sense that if you use positive words this action will attract positive results. As an example, even if you think something is “not positive” you are still attracting positive because your sub-conscious does not “hear” the word “not”. But if you thought something was negative then you are attracting negative.

You feel stressed out and have way too much on your plate. Ask yourself if you really have too much on your plate or are you lacking in any skills that would affect your stress level; like time management or co-dependency? Find a class, a book or access the infinite knowledge on the internet and take the steps necessary to learn the skills you identified you were in need of boosting. Otherwise write up a list of goals to productively reduce what is on your plate. Can you delegate? Can you hire someone? Make the list, prioritize it and then take one step at a time to get your stress relief.

Fear takes on many forms and levels. Let it tell you it’s message and realize that is why it is there. It is giving you the knowledge that some type of harm may happen and you may need to do something about it. A strong intensity may indicate that action is needed quickly. If you let it get out of hand, you may miss your opportunity to productively take care of the situation.

Like all the Primary Feelings, fear is good, because it lets you know that you need to take care of yourself and the people in your life. It’s like a voice saying, “You need to take action.” Fear can be identified as the root cause of all the discomfort or emotional pain that we experience. Because it’s the root cause, the message fear has for us is very important. It’s the great motivator and teacher – if we know how to decipher its message. If we don’t, we remain stuck in our pain or in the frustrating cycle of distraction. Emotional pain (fear) is the great teacher. It points away from itself to what needs to be done for a satisfying response. Its purpose is to help and guide us toward a more satisfying life.” 5

What about the well-known statement, fear is the root of all evil? That statement is the reason we should listen to the constructive and productive message that fear has. Since it is a the lowest vibrating feeling, dwelling in it can cause it to grow in exponential ways. Let yourself be driven by its knowledge to keep the fear in its neutral state where it is the most productive.

This brings up vibrations and polarity. Vibrations have intensity, which go high or low. Polarity has a charge, either positive or negative. Feelings are just vibrations. They start out without a charge, they are in a neutral state. You are the one who gives them their polarity. The more you focus on positive thoughts the more your feelings will take on a positive polarity. Even those feelings that easily go to the other polarity, that of negativity, will stay neutral or dissipate.

Another common situation can be where you are dealing with multiple feelings at once. Start with the feeling easiest to deal with or the one with the most urgency and work through the others one at a time. Fear can easily combine with every feeling listed. Plus inadequacy can also combine with all the feelings. Since inadequacy’s best response is hypnosis it goes to show that if you feel inadequate dealing with any of the feelings listed, seeking out a hypnotherapists’ help would be a smart move. Especially if you are still struggling after working the suggestions given here.

As a recap, the process of dealing with feelings starts with determining which feeling it is. Knowing what started your feeling can aide in determining which feeling it is and if you are dealing with multiple feelings. Then step back and use this list to figure out how to take care of those feelings in a positive and productive fashion. Follow and put into action the steps you came up with. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

Janelle Spoto, CHt
from Wise Healings by Design 


Reference Book:

The Secret Language of Feelings | by Calvin D. Banyan | 2003 |


1 – pp27-28, 2 – p52, 3 – p85, 4 – pp110-111, 5 – pp129-131


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